Heartbreak Hill

Today I had a double session of BarBri. That means I spent a glorious spring day inside a darkened classroom from nine-thirty in the morning to five-thirty in the afternoon. Around three-thirty, I declared to my friends that we were on the Heartbreak Hill of our marathon bar review session.

I spoke to soon. I am about to watch another forty-five minutes' worth of video on my own computer. Three-thirty was probably the Wellesley tunnel, not the Newton hills.

At least I'm not in a darkened classroom any more.

Bar review

And not the kind at which I met the Captain. [FN1]

Today I began my bar class for the CA bar. Yuck. The books are enormous. The class is located in a place where I cannot park. The bus runs infrequently.

I think I need to change my attitude.


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FN1. The Captain's military duties officially expired on Monday. He is no longer on the inactive ready reserve - he's a full civilian! Even though he's been a de facto civilian for the last year, I'm still very happy now that there's no chance he'll be called up again. So it's time to give him a new name. I'll call him the Coach; he likes to coach little rower people.

Blessed

Yesterday I graduated from law school. And despite the drama and anxiety which naturally accompanied my quest for a Juris Doctor, I still feel very blessed to have gotten one. I even survived my family's visit - now that's something.

The ceremony yesterday capped three years of struggle, discipline, and achievement. But it also capped two weeks' worth of fantastic hedonism. We called it "Senior Week." I am fortunate to have attended law school, but I am unreasonably blessed with generous, fun-loving friends. As I begin to navigate the waters of young professionalism, I cannot wait to look to see them at my side.

Walter

Last night was my last night in the law library. Knowing this, I stopped by the security desk on my way out to say good-bye to Walter, my favorite security guard. Early on my 1L year, I stopped by the desk and introduced myself to him. I stuck out my hand and said brightly, "Hi, I'm KHC. I figure we'll be seeing a lot of each other over the next three years, so I thought I should introduce myself."

We've been tight ever since. He's met my boyfriend, and he's approved. I've baked him cookies for his birthday and I sent him a card when he was seriously ill. When one of my classmates was deployed to Iraq, he assembled a care package for her and had me deliver it to her friends. He's seen me hunched over all manner of textbook, outline, and study guide. He doesn't know it, but he's watched me grow up as I've navigated this heartbreaking journey called law school. The very sight of him at the security desk comforted me.

So when I said good-bye to him last night, I had to keep it short. My eyes were filling and I did not want to make a scene. I thanked him for being my friend these three years and then I scurried out, telling him I had to leave before I got "too emotional."

But when I got to my car, I let it all out. Like I'm doing right now.

Yes. I. Did.

With a click of a key, my studies were finished.

It was anticlimactic, actually. I had thought I would have experienced an immediate sense of relief. Instead I felt simply, uh. In fact I wished I could have done better, managed my time more efficiently, devoted more attention to my paper.

Instead, I went to war with the army I had. And it really wasn't much. Which is pretty much how I feel about the whole of my law school career, actually. I began every semester hoping to improve upon the last, and while I was able to do so, I still lived with the constant pressure to try harder, to work a little longer, to want it a little more. Now that pressure is gone.

So I'll have to get used to feeling good about myself again. Odd.

Discipline

The last several days have been tough; two exams, two papers, and a take-home in less than a week. Even now, I'm still not done.

But already I'm looking forward to things I have missed: the Sunday New York Times, leisurely work-outs, and...reality television.

It's been hard out here without Dancing with the Stars. Extremely brutal without America's Next Top Model.

(Yes! I! Can! Yes! I! Can!)

Almost done...

Yes. we. can.

Yes. we. can.

Yes. we. can.

Si, se puede!!

They're everywhere!

Another freshman in the lawbrary! This one's studying calculus. If I weren't such a goody-two-shoes I'd throw her notes over the railing.

Plus, she's a girl studying calculus. It's my duty to encourage women in the sciences. Thus, I cannot in good conscience throw her notes over the railing.

But I really, really, really want to.